Pride and Prejudice: a parody
by HasEveryPenNameBeenTaken
Summary: Parodied scenes from Pride and Prejudice. Chapter 1 is Darcy's first proposal. Chapter 2 is Lizzy's confrontation with Lady Catherine at Longbourn.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I am not Jane Austen. (Just in case someone mistook me for that lady with the bonnet who has been dead for the past two centuries.)

This is a very short story, just a parody of Darcy's first proposal to Elizabeth. The next one will be from Mansfield Park and I plan it to be longer.

Also, I'm new.

Storyline: Darcy is in Longbourn, and he tries his success with Miss Elizabeth Bennet...

DARCY:

Marry me, you commoner.

LIZZY:

No. And, just to make my point clear, I will not even thank you, in spite of my conduct book's persistent instructions to the contrary.

DARCY:

But… why?

LIZZY:

You wronged Wickam, and you separated Bingley and my sister.

DARCY:

(aside)

Wtf, she and Wickam?

(to LIZZY)

Wickam is a big crybaby, and your sister didn't really love Bingley, according to my observations, which were totally objective.

LIZZY:

The nerve!

DARCY:

Perhaps, Miss Bennet, you would have been willing to overlook these perceived injustices if I have been more guarded in my language towards your family.

LIZZY:

I would never marry you. Ever. Ev-HAR. I would rather have my teeth uprooted- no, all my limps amputated- no, marry Mr Collins…

DARCY:

Alright, I get your point.

LIZZY:

Because you're a stuck-up, rude, misanthropic, insufferable prig.

DARCY:

… woof?

(recollecting himself)

Very well, madam! I shall now say something melodramatic about my feelings and depart forever.

DARCY storms out. LIZZY swoons pathetically on a chair.

Reviews are appreciated.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

**Lady Catherine VS Lizzy**

**Upon request.**

**I made a slight alteration: I did not include the part where Lizzy admits she is not engaged to Darcy. This was done for comedy reasons.**

**Enjoy.**

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><p>Scene 1: Bennets' living-room.<p>

MRS. BENNET:

(looking out of the window)

Omfg, it's Lady Catherine!

LIZZY:

Serious?

MRS. BENNET:

Honest! See for yourself.

FOOTMAN:

(coming in)

Her imperial Majesty, Lady Catherine de Bourgh.

KITTY:

(to LIZZY)

Is she a Queen?

LIZZY:

Of Madland.

LADY CATHERINE:

(entering)

Good morning, you peasants.

MRS. BENNET:

Lady Catherine! What en exquisite honor. Please excuse us for not making the house bigger.

LADY CATHERINE:

Well, you didn't know I was coming.

KITTY:

(to LIZZY)

Oh, Lizzy, she snorts like an imperial elephant!

LIZZY:

Yes, fascinating.

MRS. BENNET:

Lady Catherine, please allow me to kiss the ground you just treaded on.

LADY CATHERINE:

You have my permission.

MRS. BENNET:

Oh, thank you.

LADY CATHERINE:

Miss Bennet, of all your house, which is all dreadful, I believe I saw a lawn on which I would deign to put my noble foot.

MRS. BENNET:

I think I will faint from the excitement.

LADY CATHERINE:

_Get your a_- I mean, will you be so good as to accompany me there.

LIZZY:

(curtly)

Mph.

Scene 2: LADY CATHERINE and LIZZY in the lawn.

LADY CATHERINE:

Alright, here's the deal. I know you know I know.

LIZZY:

Huh?

LADY CATHERINE:

Don't pretend you don't know. You're engaged to my nephew, aren't you?

LIZZY:

(aside)

Uh-oh.

(to LADY CATHERINE)

What are you talking about?

LADY CATHERINE:

Miss Bennet, I will not be trifled with. I always demand honesty, from other people, that is. Tell me at once, are you or are you not engaged to my nephew?

LIZZY:

Why do you think I am engaged to your nephew?

LADY CATHERINE:

I heard a rumor.

LIZZY:

Really?

LADY CATHERINE:

Don't "really" me, you sycophant. You started it.

LIZZY:

No, I didn't.

LADY CATHERINE:

And is it false?

LIZZY:

Not saying.

LADY CATHERINE:

Impertinence!

LIZZY:

Well, do you believe it?

LADY CATHERINE:

Of course not, lies and slander.

LIZZY:

Alright then. Have a nice trip back.

LADY CATHERINE:

It ought to be lies. But do not imagine, Miss Bennet, that I ignore what your kind is capable of. Seduction! Belly-dancing! Witty conversation!

LIZZY:

Witchcraft.

LADY CATHERINE:

Before he knows it, a poor little naïve boy of twenty eight is caught in your clutches, forgetful of what he owes to his family and his cousin.

LIZZY:

What does he owe to his cousin, may I ask?

LADY CATHERINE:

He is pledged to her by the most sacred oaths.

LIZZY:

Which are?

LADY CATHERINE:

Well, one day, while they were in their cradles, his mother and I thought it would be a really good idea of they got married.

LIZZY:

Right.

LADY CATHERINE:

So, as you understand, you must…

LADY CATHERINE makes the handwaving movement.

LIZZY:

Greet him?

LADY CATHERINE:

I am not laughing, Miss Bennet.

LIZZY:

No, indeed.

LADY CATHERINE.

I had his life all planned… I mean, I had the most disinterested motives, for his own good. And what is the impediment? A most arrogant young woman, an impertinent, gold-digging social climber!

LIZZY:

Now hold on a minute, bucko.

LADY CATHERINE:

And let me tell you this, Miss Bennet-

LIZZY:

Lady Catherine, do you ever let anyone else talk?

LADY CATHERINE:

Of course not. If I did, they might win an argument.

LIZZY:

(ironically)

Of course. So you were saying…

LADY CATHERINE;

If you knew your own good, you would not want to quit the sphere in which you have been brought up.

LIZZY:

In marrying your nephew, I do not consider myself as quitting that sphere. He is a gentleman; I am a gentleman's daughter; so far we are equals.

LADY CATHERINE:

Yes, but your aunt and uncle are in trade.

LIZZY:

Yes, but _his_ aunt is a crazy old bat with a narcissistic syndrome.

LADY CATHERINE:

…

_That's it._

LADY CATHERINE begins to march furiously to her carriage.

LADY CATHERINE:

I am most seriously displeased- no compliments to your mother- shades of Pemberley polluted- ingratitude and obstinacy- all seven deadly sins commited- revenge of Heaven upon your heads- dishonor on your family- dishonor on your cow- write you out of my will- don't come to my funeral- won't come to your funeral- treason- murder- will not see the children- don't name them after me…

LADY CATHERINE continues in this strain until they reach the carriage. She is assisted on it by the FOOTMAN. Then she looks at LIZZY once more for her final farewell.

LADY CATHERINE:

Miss Bennet, _we are not amused_.

The carriage leaves.

FOOTMAN:

(in the back of the carriage)

Hey, that's a cool catchphrase! I must write it down!

Some decades later, the FOOTMAN was promoted in Queen Victoria's court, where he proposed the famous phrase to her Majesty, who thought it was catchy. And now you know the absolute historical truth.

LIZZY:

Insolent woman!

LIZZY returns to the house.

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><p><strong>Reviews are appreciated.<strong>


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